I recently read a short interview with author and kirtan chanter Bhagavan Das, in which Das was quoted as saying, "The only religion is compassion". I like this quote because it cuts to the essence of what many religions are truly about in spirit, although, sadly, this is often lost in practice. Reacting to this interview, I started imagining what it would be like if the idea of compassion as the guiding principle could be applied to different belief systems. Religion seems like a good belief system to test, but more interesting to me would be to see how one could put to test the conventional Western parenting I experienced and still see children experiencing today. How does compassion figure into the belief system that guides our relationships with children? How does conventional Western parenting test against this principle?

One of the most important relationships I have where compassion plays a large part is with my son. In the playground recently I was watching my son approach another child that was crying, trying to console him. I said to my wife, "if compassion were the only religion, then maybe the best teachers would be children". At the moment I was thinking about how easy it can be for kids to openly express compassion. But, perhaps the main reason our son can be compassionate is because he's been treated respectfully and we've taken all of his emotional expressions seriously. I believe one of the biggest things I can do as a parent is to acknowledge the seriousness of every childhood drama and help our little one to talk through his feelings. By being compassionate towards him, we are helping him learn compassion by example and by experience. If all you have experienced is compassionate treatment, empathy and respect, then it is likely that you will treat others in this way. The same might be true on the opposite side of the coin. Treating children cruelly or being indifferent to their emotional needs may certainly lead to cruel behavior or an insensitivity to others' needs.

As people that were raised during a time when most conventional parenting seemed to consist of coerciveness (crying it out, etc.) and corporal punishment (spanking, time outs, etc.) in the guise of "doing what's best" and "not spoiling", my wife and I worked hard to talk about what we believe before our son was born and continue to refine these beliefs as we care for him. Our beliefs have been influenced by many writers, parents and communities whose ideas break cleanly with the practices used in the conventional Western parenting we grew up with. It's been important to us that we break the cycle of unfeeling, uncompassionate parenting that is still the convention today. Among the beliefs guiding the style of parenting we and many enlightened parents today espouse, compassion is one of the most important principles, with non-coercion and respect being some of the supporting practices.

So how can we put compassion to the test with regard to parenting philosophies? What if the book of conventional Western parenting wisdom were revised to only contain the word "Compassion". How would this type of parenting be affected? Well, perhaps you'd then have to throw out all coerciveness, all punishment, all manipulation of truth. Perhaps you'd have to begin treating children as respectfully as you treat other adults or as you would like to be treated yourself. And you may have to scrap that book of conventional Western parenting all together and start over, because compassion doesn't seem to be what guides a lot of its practices.

What I began to realize while caring for my son in this way was that much of the parenting style that I experienced and still witness has to do with making the lives of parents easier or with adhering to convention, rather than with taking seriously the feelings and needs of children. Realizing this, it is easy to say to one's self, "I'm going to be different and take what my child says seriously". But, in practice, it can be difficult. Maybe it will help to examine daily practice in compassionate reflection of your child's expressed needs while parenting and comparing these with your beliefs and common sense. This is something I need to do individually and with my wife to understand how we are doing.

We're used to being told all of the things we can and cannot do, but how often are these things driven by parents' or society's conventions rather than on acceptance of the expressed needs of the child? This is where compassion comes into play. There are so many times that I've had to go back and revise what I've said could or could not be done because, when I stop to question, "Why?" or "Why not?", the answer is almost always about me trying to fit us into society's mold rather than considering the acceptability of a situation and simply saying, "OK, why not? There's no reason you can't". After all, if a child really wants to, why can't he eat ice cream before dinner, or go outside without a coat on? Eventually their bodies will get hungry for better nourishment and will tell them when they're too cold. There are of course behaviors that we may have to coercively stop from time to time for the safety of our children, including stopping your when they're in imminent danger, e.g. when a child is runs into a street. Marshall Rosenberg talks a bit about the protective use of force in a chapter of his book "NonViolent Communication". Some of these issues should be obvious and is perhaps one of the few exceptions you might make with regard to coercion. But it's also important to be aware that situations that you may think are dangerous can be learning experiences that you can help your child with. For example, my wife's gotten good at helping our son climb onto her shoulders so that he stands on them like a little circus performer. This makes me nervous to no end, but when done safely, he gets to express his need to be physical, to have fun and maybe to get a different perspective.

I will admit that following through with a belief system based on compassion can be difficult in practice. It is difficult to break the cycle of even mildly coercive parenting styles. At times it is hard, and we often get judgement and unsolicited advice in the observation of our parenting style. But even in the face of this judgement, we continue to work at making our child's expression of his needs the important focus before considering anything anyone tells us. Even ideas that seem to be accepted truths can be broken down under scrutiny. So we scrutinize. When someone challenges us, because we've spent to much time looking closely at, researching and breaking down old ideas, we're more able to come back with a kindly worded, yet confident and educated retort. At other times, especially when confroted by unsolicited advice from strangers, we simply ignore the people, for their snap judgements and ignorance.

I think as long as compassion and the expressed needs of the child are always considered, you can't go wrong, and in the end parenting is a process -- an evolving learning experience that is particular to you and your child. But there is no reason to accept convention. We need to test conventions against common sense and to consider what the foundations for our beliefs are. The goal is providing a safe and supportive environment for your children that will help them to discover and express their needs, to become a naturally healthy child. Compassion provides one of the strongest components of your parenting foundation.